Contradictions

Lies. They're easy to believe if you're vulnerable. Let me let you in on a little secret: if it's not uplifting, encouraging, or life-giving, it's a LIE. If it's driving us away from God, it's not Him talking. I have learned so much doing street outreach to girls who are being prostituted. I am always so surprised at how weak the enemy is with his arguments: "you were born to do this," "you have no other value," "this is and will always be your security," "he really loves you," "you don't deserve any better." I know he thinks he's smart and everything, but if you really think about it, you will realize he's a liar. Asking hard, deep, probing questions, we find out just how much we believe the lies. (I always wish I had a tape recorder to play over some of the conversations I have, to show how many times they've contradicted themselves.) One girl told me she has always been fascinated with this work, and at 7 years old, desired to get into it. Yet also telling me she needed to quit eventually, because it's hard on your body (I added dangerous, and unhealthy). She agreed! Facing the question of why she was "made" to do this, of all things, something that damages you emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually, she couldn't answer. LIES. In reality, without Jesus, we're in darkness. And in darkness, we can't even see the nose in front of our face, and it's only through the Holy Spirit do we know the truth... and nothing else will lead us there.

What is really freakin' cool, and something I've had the privilege of witnessing, is when someone's eyes are opened to the truth, and recognizing the lies once believed, and being able to see God's pursuit through it all! I truly feel as if I am just sitting back and watching God work, and I am reaping the fruit of my labor and prayers. It gives me encouragement to know that every word of truth I speak to those girls, is a seed that is planted, and one day - when they're ready - they will reach out. And if it is my hand they reach for, I will be obedient, love relentlessly, and do whatever it takes to help pursue healing. It really does make it all worth it.

2011 Reflections

Thinking back over the year, I realized a lot has happened. So much change, growth, loss, hope, pain, and joy. I found love, and I lost it. I said goodbye to a brother, and gained a few sisters. I rekindled a passion for music – but it had never really faded. Friendships and family dynamics changed drastically. New vision and dreams were planted. Hopes disappeared into disappointment, but new struggles have changed my perspective… many times. I have learned to take in new experiences, and while sometimes they come with the memory of heartbreak, I appreciate them for what they were, and still appreciate the beauty of them. I've endured training way past any college degree could ever grant me, and with that came boldness, courage, perseverance, and renewed faith in the One who makes all things possible. I have seen people come to Christ, with literally no work on my part - just obedience... and that's pretty awesome! I have built a strong foundation on the One that I am sure nothing could ever tear me down – though it's been tried. I have tried to suffer and love well, and although sometimes I feel like I fail, I certainly learn, and hope to do it better next time. 

One thing I've learned is that Jesus never promised an "easy" life after asking us to pick up our cross and follow Him (shouldn't that be a clue right there? You know what the cross represents, right? death. no surprises there!) But I have come to deeply appreciate the suffering my Savior went through to ensure me eternal life with Him. I have it easy compared to what He went through. Know why? Because I do not face death in the end. In fact, I am promised an eternal, glorious life at the end of this one. And that is only granted to me through the grace of God. I don't think I will ever fully grasp that, and I will spend the rest of my life here trying to. 

Looking into the next year, I have goals, dreams, desires, and hopes, but they are and will be nothing if I am not fully dependent on the One who gives life. To whatever He asks of me, I want to jump into. Never hesitating. Whatever pain I have to face, choices I have to make, people I am called to love, whatever He asks of me, I'm going to do it, knowing that it will be good because He gives us good things, and wants good things for us. That I am sure of. 

The Girls

The girl who's been stabbed. She calls us over and chases us down every time we see her, wanting to share her story and experiences. The girl who looked so young, was barely dressed, freezing cold and scared out of her mind, standing next to a man who neither offered his hand nor his coat. The girl who gave advice on how to help other girls, but would not receive help for herself; who works two other jobs but is admittedly addicted to the money; who has two children and may be pregnant with another. I am still waiting and hoping she will call me. The girl who we see out frequently, who has shared details of her life and past, who has such a sweet personality you'd want to be her friend. The girl with the short skirt and baby face who said she was new and seemed like she was high. The girl who put on a show - blowing kisses and waving to every car that went by. The girl who was so touched when we offered her a gift and prayer, saying no one gives her gifts or prays for her anymore. The girl who stood alone on the corner, surrounded by men; I didn't want to leave; I wanted to protect her. The girl who seemed so normal and put together I had to remind myself the reason she was out. Excited to talk with us, pray with us, set a hangout time with us. She was so young, so beautiful, yet carried around so much pain from her past. The girl whose father just had surgery and she was getting high to forget. The girl with the tattoo that said "My Bitch." The girl who asked for a cigarette that made me wish I carried them just so I could have a few minutes to talk to her. The girl whose family wants her to come home.

The countless girls we don't get to talk to, but see from a distance. the girls who walk away from us, who cross the street just so they don't have to walk past us. 

The ones we see getting into a car before reaching them. I can't describe the feeling I get when that happens.  

The countless girls we don't see.

The countless men we see, searching for girls to buy. 

All of the ones that God sees.

Intention is no substitute for action

"We drive past the strip clubs and turn away or even gawk at the broken lives. But they are the same children who have just been abused for too many years...What happens when the girl who has been abused and exploited grows up? How will we respond to her when she makes life choices that are rooted in the brokenness of her youth?" 

--a quote from Treasures an LA-based organization that helps to reach women in the sex industry.

We may have pity, or even disdain, for those working in the sex industry. But it is important to know where they came from. We've talked a little bit about that. Now I want to focus on the action.

When we look at the world through our own eyes, we see greed, hatred, violence, filth... looking through God's eyes, we see a broken and hurting world, desperate for hope. What are you doing about it? Complacency is one of the worst things we could be. Everyone has unique gifts and talents. Use them!

I would have never thought I would be equipped for the work I'm doing now. Global trafficking, overseas missions, and national issues seem huge. Start somewhere. That one person who needs love, and desires to be shown kindness. To those who want to be missionaries to another country (because we as Christians are all missionaries, geographical location is just a detail), start in your neighborhood. Your workplace. Your family.

It's frustrating when talking to people who feel stuck in their lives - unhappy with their jobs, or feeling tied down to family or other obligations. If you find yourself seeing a need and wanting to help, but money, time, and obligation seem like roadblocks... let me tell you, I have come up against all of those, and seen others who could have used that as a legitimate excuse, but had chosen to believe that God is bigger than any excuse you can conjure up, and if you really had the desire, He will provide the means. Don't let fear hold you back. Just say YES!

The journey is more important than the destination

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. Feeling joy from the updates of my friends who are visiting Romania, and my little Bernadette, then immediate sadness in the longing to be there too. I so often have to tell myself that if I only knew the things God has in store for me, I would be waking up every morning filled with excitement, knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be. Although sometimes it feels as I am "stuck" here... actually, scratch that. I used to think that. I don't anymore. Now I realize that every step I take, every joy and triumph, every heartbreak and painful experience, every interaction, is all preparing me, not for "bigger things," but things I simply could never imagine. I am a firm believer that the journey is far more important than the destination, and to minimize each experience and life lesson as just a "stepping stone" towards the greater purpose is to miss a significant part of the journey. That one interaction that will touch your soul so deeply. That one person who will capture your heart for years to come. That one story that drives you into action.

This is my dear Bernadette. She has touched me deeper than anyone else I know, and her story will always be my motivation for action, as long as I am able. I hope I will be able to see her again soon.

Timing is everything

  As my friends leave for Romania today, I don't feel sadness... but excitement and joy. Knowing there must be a reason I'm not flying over the ocean right now (why wouldn't I be???). In the last couple of years, I've learned to give my dreams over to God because I realize He is bigger than my dreams, and He wants to do more through me than what I initially thought. I knew the timing wasn't great; that I couldn't stay as long as I wanted, that there are other details that need to be worked out. I love how freeing it feels to let this one go, and not sit in heartache that I can't be there, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has amazing plans for me, and they must be pretty awesome. So I look forward to the future, not wishing for what could have been, but hopeful and excited for what is to come!

Social Perceptions

  In all of my research of human trafficking (including reading Girls Like Us by Rachel Lloyd, founder of GEMS in New York) I am beginning to realize that there is way more depth to it than what is perceived. I am endeavoring to break down some of the myths that surround this issue, and create a sort of blog series, if you will. To preface, I will say that I could easily go into greater depth, and what I write here is just a tip of the iceberg. If you really want to get a greater understanding of this whole issue, Lloyd's book is an excellent resource, and has been my inspiration for the next few posts.


  People hear "human trafficking," and they picture a girl from Thailand or the Philippines starved and chained in a warehouse. While there is no doubt that is sometimes the case, even more often, it is closer to home. The truth is, the majority of the girls in the U.S. who are being sexually exploited today are home grown. Runaways, those in the foster care system, who have substance abusing parents/a missing parent, and poverty are factors that make young girls vulnerable to sex trafficking. Because of a lack of choices, hope for a better future is lost, and desperation is found. A common belief in society is that these girls chose to work in the sex industry, but a closer look into their background, and you'll find that there wasn't a choice to be made, but rather a lack of options that led to this occupation of "choice." What child ever says they want to have sex with strangers for money when they grow up? Think about it.

  A huge element in the issue of sex trafficking, is sexual abuse at a young age. The high percentage of women working in the sex industry (that includes pornography, stripping, and prostitution) who have been sexually abused during childhood or adolescence is undeniably significant. It is an estimated 80-90%. Given that fact, to some girls, selling sex may seem like a small price to pay, especially after being raped or abused.

  Also taking into consideration the average age of recruitment (thirteen), the emotional maturity and mental capacity to make sound judgments and weigh the alternatives at that age is severely lacking. The psychological and emotional limitations of teenagers, as well as the limited understanding of consequences, makes them generally impulsive, rebellious, and vulnerable to peer pressure. There is a reason we are given age limitations for driving, drinking, marrying, and moving out on your own, because as a society we recognize there is a difference between adolescents and adults, maturity wise.


  So how can we change these false social perceptions? One is by recognizing these factors play a part in how a girl ends up working the streets. Another would be to change our language. One of the statements drafted in the Agenda for Action against Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children declares that the term child or youth prostitute can no longer be used. As these girls are being sexually exploited, the language and reference to them must reflect that belief. "Child prostitute" implies who a person is, rather than what is being done to her.

  Choices must be seen in context. It may not be wise to go home with someone you've just met, particularly when you've been drinking. Yet that in no way means you "chose" to get raped. When faced with these individual, environmental and societal factors, children are susceptible to traffickers who prey on their vulnerability.



More to come soon...

Latest inspiration

  I feel like I need inspiration on a specific topic in order to write something. The truth is, I've had an overload of inspiration for a very broad topic, and I don't exactly know where to start. In general, I feel I need to get more in the habit of writing on a regular basis anyway, so here is where I am starting. With a vague... introduction perhaps? I feel like this blog has been less about my passion for Romania, and more about human trafficking. While it has certainly been an issue for awhile (whether people knew that or not), the increased awareness in the last few years is what I believe to be a movement of the Holy Spirit. From independent filmmakers, to grassroots organizations, to those in legislatures creating laws, to blogs writers, to celebrities, to high school/college students' projects and research papers, to news anchors reporting on human trafficking globally and nationally, the awareness of human trafficking has increased immensely just in the last few years. You would be hard pressed to find someone who did not have a little knowledge on the issue. However, far too many still have misconceptions on the issue in general, and that's where my latest inspiration comes in... as I read articles, watch short films, documentaries, or news specials, hear stories of actual girls who have been trafficked, and those who are still in "the life," I realize I've had my own misconceptions and still have a lot to learn. Soon I hope to gather my scattered mess of scribbled notes into a more concise outline, and from there... well, we'll see!

  I feel I should mention Romania while I'm here... there is a team going in October, and while I am a little sad I am not going, I have realized that the timing is not right, and I feel I could serve better when my role and purpose are more clearly defined. So as I pray through that, I am also looking at other opportunities overseas to work with other human trafficking organizations. As I have always known from a young age, but am finding that vision broadens as time goes on, Romania will always be in my heart, and the children that have touched my deepest core, will always be apart of my life, in one capacity or another. I never want to limit God and think that He could never use me there if I'm not living there. Although that is my desire, figuring out if it's God's best is another thing. I simply want to be obedient to where He calls me to go. Whether that is to stay or to go... and I can't wait to find out!

A Night on 'The Track'

  She stood there - alone, scared, and helpless. As the cars kept passing by, she knew she was obligated to entice. She felt emotionally numb, yet still scared. She knew he was watching her every move, so she forced herself to play the part. Afraid of what he would do to her if she failed to bring in the expected amount of cash, she continued to walk. The night was chilly, and she certainly wasn't dressed for it. He had taken her shopping, and pretty much picked out the most skimpiest outfits she had ever worn. She should have felt pretty. She felt shame instead. Yet she rationalized in her head. After he paid his debt off, she wouldn't have to work any more. He had promised her. And he loves her. She knows he does. Maybe that was enough. Love was not a familiar word to her growing up. Everyone wanted something from her. Love came with stipulations. It wasn't real; it always had strings attached. Her father was abusive and her mother was too busy working to even notice that her oldest daughter was slowly slipping away. It started with skipping school and getting high with friends. From there, one thing led to another and she met him. He was nice. He bought her things. He noticed her. All her life she longed for someone to simply care about her. She craved attention, any kind of attention. And she was willing to do anything to keep his attention. Anything. So she walked the streets into all hours of the night. Not knowing if things were going to ever get better. Not having any hope for the future. Submissively, she continued walking.




Read more real life stories.

Spontaneous Love

  Inspired from My Utmost For His Highest, by Oswald Chambers.

  Our love flows from our hearts through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5). Some things we'll look back and wonder why we did them. It was because of God's "spontaneous love" flowing through us, stirring our hearts for His works. Stirring our hearts for what stirs His. 

  There is evidence of that in my life, with my desire to work with victims of human trafficking and children in Romania. I don't really know why - I'm neither a victim nor an orphan. God gave me His heart. 


  What has God given you a heart for? How has the Holy Spirit stirred your heart for that? What vision have you received as a result? What steps are you taking toward that vision?


 recommended reading:

New Vision

Looking at the last entry, I have to cringe. 

It's. been. too. long. 

But I feel like things have been on stand-by for awhile. I'm still looking for that great apartment in Seattle with amazing roommates I know are out there *somewhere*... although some days I believe it more than others. Also pending is my complete involvement in the street ministry working with women in the sex industry. There are just a lot of hoops to jump through to ensure that every one of their volunteers are trained and qualified to minister to the women. Which is funny because I feel like I am none of the above, but I know that whenever God calls us to do something He equips us with the tools to accomplish it. And of course if I ever thought that I had it all together enough to do something in ministry, where would there be room to rely fully on God?

All that to say, I have not for one moment forgotten. In fact I've been thinking about Romania a lot lately. There are specific faces that stick out to me more than others, of course Bernadette being one of them, and many of the older boys I talk to on a regular basis. One of them hoping I would be back sometime in the summer. I kind of spilled the beans and told him I was planning a trip for the month of December. Still have yet to find out how that's gonna play out - and if it was God's idea or mine. It's just so hard to stay away for so long. So hard.

Back to the subject line. I was reading a scripture that is one of my favorites and always causes me such emotion every single time I read it. (From the context of Isaiah 61) Luke 4:18-19: "'The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.'" Today it stuck out to me as so obviously my vision for Romania, and newly found passion for human trafficking. 

As Christians, God has anointed every single one of us. We have what the world needs. There are no excuses for being silent. None. Even though it may cause rejection or even death, Jesus suffered that and more. Nothing we could ever give up would be equivalent to that. This is all He asks from us, and He deserves way more.

"...he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor..." Romania is one of the poorest countries in Europe. We don't know what "poverty" is. They certainly know what it means to be poor. The theme among the older kids when I asked them what they wanted to accomplish when they were older was simply to get a good job. To them, there were no other options. Their gifts and passions were irrelevant. A job is solely for survival. In my world here in America, I can be anything I want to be, do anything I want to do, and I don't worry about how I am going to get the resources. Maybe that comes from my faith in God, but it also has something to do with all the opportunities we have here.

"...he has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind..." While most in the sex industry are forced, some may say they choose to be there. However, if you are not serving God, you are serving Satan, and he provides no such thing as freedom. Every sin you give into you become a slave to. And if you live in darkness, how are you supposed to see where you are going? Someone is leading you. "Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey - whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?" (Romans 6:16) Until we meet Jesus, we are blinded by the enemy. We can't see our sin or how ugly it makes us look and how damaging it is to our soul. We can't see that while we are in captivity. Jesus helps us take the blinders off, and see how broken we are without Him.

"...to release the oppressed and proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." Looking into the eyes of Romanians who have experienced the reign of Ceausescu, you can still see the oppression. I know that God has a marvelous plan of restoration for the people of Romania, and hope for the children there. Favor = an act of gracious kindness. God wants to heal and restore, and I am humbled that somehow I will have a part in it. I feel I already have. And I can't wait to see what's next.

I don't make resolutions

  I do, however, create goals. One of which is to learn the Romanian language while I'm here in America. 

  Okay, so I've had that goal for awhile. But I've finally found a language program that teaches Romanian (everyone just wants to learn French or Italian!)... and it's free! Quick plug - Before You Know It (Byki) is great for learning phrases. I'll have to work on the grammar with something else... or via Yahoo messenger with my Romanian friends. :)

  For awhile I struggled with the motivation to learn - or teach myself. Which I am ashamed to admit. I feel like I miss out on so much whenever I'm there and all the children are speaking in a language I don't understand. I love the language so much I could listen to it all day long and not care whether or not I understood... but I so long to communicate with the children, and in their language!

  So all that to say, I have started this week, and hopefully the program will take me far... far enough not to have to pay (because WHY pay when you can get it for free??)

  Wish me luck!!

The importance of acceptance

  One article I read recently about a girl who had been trafficked from China to Manhattan made me realize something. She had been offered a job abroad, and ended up in an office - in midtown Manhattan - with strange men, and after they gang raped and beat her, they videotaped her in humiliating poses, and threatened to send the video to her family if she didn't comply to their demands. She was forced into prostitution, and at some point eventually got arrested. The police asked her if she had been trafficked into the country, and she said no. She was afraid if she made it known to the police that she was a victim of any sort, her captors would send the videotape to her family.

  This brings up many things. One: so many times we think of human trafficking happening in and around third-world countries, but the truth is, it happens everywhere. Even America. Two: a myth surrounding the issue of prostitution is the thought that it is the choice of the sex worker to be in that industry. More often than not, that's completely not the case. Many are forced and enslaved. 

  What struck me the most about this story, was that this girl was more afraid of what her family would think of her, than she was of going back to her pimp, and working the streets selling her body for sex, repeatedly raped and probably beaten every single day. I understand that the Asian culture puts a great deal of emphasis on family honor and status, but something has gone wrong when a girl would rather be violated every day than be rescued from that situation, and have her parents know about it.


  Something I found interesting about the children in Romania who had been dumped in the orphanage, was the fact that they still longed to be accepted by family. It didn't matter if they were still in contact with family, or they knew that their parents wanted nothing to do with them, they would jump at the slightest gesture - a phone call, a letter, an invitation to visit. I believe God created us to thrive in community. We were not meant to be isolated. That is why God said when He created Adam that it was "not good for man to be alone." He created the family structure for our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual growth. When that family structure breaks down, we are vulnerable to harm in every area. The good news is that when we accept God, He puts us in a new family! And in that, there is restoration and healing.

  My prayer is that mothers and fathers will realize that their unconditional love and acceptance is more important than reputation. If those girls who ran away from home and are now "working" the streets, knew that their parents loved and accepted them no matter what, and were not going to be made to feel ashamed, they may run back home. Unfortunately, when we are rejected, we tend to look to anyone to feel accepted. And sometimes it's the wrong acceptance.

Human Trafficking & Romania

Romania is one of the poorest countries in eastern Europe, making it fertile ground for human traffickers. Men, women, and children alike are trafficked in Romania for labor & sex trade. According to Romanian police statistics, about 3,000 children disappear each year... just disappear.

All of this information came to me unexpectedly (how did I not think to look up "safe houses in Romania" on Google??) I didn't think there were any, until I stumbled upon a random website via an organization I follow on Twitter. (By the way, I used to think Twitter was utterly ridiculous, and just another way for us to idolize celebrities and boost our American egos by seeing how many people we can get to "follow" our mindless, absurd "tweets".... and I still pretty much think that. But praise God for the networking possibilities of the Internet! A lot of the organizations I do "follow" on Twitter are a big source of where I get my information regarding human trafficking. Now if only I could get 1+ million followers..... JK!)

All this to say, a few days ago, I had no idea if there were any efforts made to prevent human trafficking in Romania via the government, or locals. And then I discover there are laws against trafficking, and there are safe houses! I suppose I'm a few steps behind on the informative scale, but I just see this as another stepping stone towards the amazing plan God has for my life.


And all I can say is, who am I?

Enough

  As I have been thinking and praying about getting more involved in human trafficking and street ministry here in Seattle, the more I begin to wonder... not what I have to offer, because I know what that is! But everything about this concept of human trafficking and selling sex is something that I have been extremely blessed to have had zero experience in! I've always used my personal testimony as a means to minister, and sure I've been through a lot, but is it enough? Is it relatable? Testimony is powerful because of the power of God. Am I saying that's not enough?


  Maybe I am.


  In that case, I should get over myself and allow God to use me and speak through me, and regardless of what I have to say it WILL MATTER because of the power of God. Maybe because the rumors I've heard of girls getting repeatedly beaten and abused, emotionally attached to the men who are pimping them out, are actually true. I'm a hands-on type of person. I want to be out there, where the action is. But I fear the unknown. I don't trust myself not to break down. The cry of injustice is too strong not to react. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's a significant sign of strength rather than weakness.